The Book of Tansey
Found by the shores of the Tan Sea in eastern Africa by Joe Blow, noted arctic explorer and deli man, and founder of the non-denominational non-commital non-partisan nonsensical holiday of
Tansey, in 1983. This is the true meaning of Tansey.
1
In the Beginning, it says "The Book of Tansey," in bold type.
In the year 1983, the angel Imbecilli, guardian of the e coli and other small things, appeared in east Africa and said "read any good books lately?" To which I, Joseph Blow, replied "verily not." (So said I unto him), at which point he handed me this book,
containing this very conversation as evidence of its evident origin. This book contains the secrets of the Imbecillons, otherwise (in some places) know as the Tanzaneans.
What is water if it is not to be shaped? Six is the magic number, since I could never roll sevens when I needed them. Six planets, six packs, six sticks, six sides, so shall they be formed. All the same basic sides, although it's hard to get water to stay in one shape.
As a sign it shall be that every and ultimate Thursday and Friday of January, the water shaped with six sides shall be cast into the streets, to show that Imbecilli came up with this thing,
unto the latest generation. Talkin' 'bout my generation. You know, a young man ain't got nothin' in the world these days, and thus the casting of the cubes symbolizes all of this.
And lo, the angel who handed me this book, narrated as if I had written it myself, produced an enchanted lunchbox, and we did eat.
2 is the number of slices, representing 2 people with cold cuts between them, as friends have cold cuts or other substances between them. For the poor, other substances are acceptable, except sand, which is unpalattable. Sand, which is. This shall be the mystical magical and arbitrary name by which this repast shall be forever remembered. Cold as the cubes of water, so shall the cold cuts cut the cold.
At which point the angel Imbecilli this song did recite:
'Twas the night before Tansey, and all through the house,
not an ice cube was frozen, nothing to throw out.
and I with my lunchbox, and my pet polar bear,
did hear us an aardvark, somewhere out there.
I jumped from my toilet, and threw out the trash,
and since it was winter, darn near froze my
(text damaged at this point)
when what should to my wondering guys appear, but a very large aardvark, with shaggy grey ears.
"Go follow Joe Blow," I said with a wink,
to get rid of the aardvark, who surely did stink.
On Thursday, on Friday, on Saturday night if absolutely necessary, on weekdays and weekends and such and such stuff, away like a Tansey plant, or a Tansey doll, away like the trash, take the toilet paper, and please wipe your (text damaged at this point)
ice and food, food and ice, dance with aardvarks, and never eat mice.
Let it never be said that those who read this book are Imbecills, but Imbecillons, and if they follow my prescription, and never eat mice, and keep the holidays, let them be called Tanzaneans.
Singh, Ng, Sing like the passing wind! Let there be Tansey carols, and mikes, and stuff! And cheese, Louise, cheese that must not be spoiled! "Remember the six sides," he exclaimed, as
he put out his sight, "Celebrate Tansey, and do it at night."
2
Second chapter, same as the first.
3
Lo, at this time next year, a voice shall be heard from the beautiful rose, saying "gee, the holidays are early this year," to which a reply cometh, "no, Tansey is always the last Thursday and
Friday of January." Verily verily verily verily, gently down the stream. True enough for me.
4
A gas tank shall explode in New Jersey, as a sign. And once the gas is passed, bathroom humor shall prevail forever. So saith Imbecilli, amongst the viruses.
Anyone celebrating Tansey shall be bound by the wrong kinds of food, until the eating of the produce. Verily they shall be bound in their movements, as this book is not bound.
Bubble, bubble, toil and stubble, how does your garden grow? With a hey didd'Le diddle and a ho ho ho, fill 'er up partner, no gas, no go.
Light not, the match that igniteth, else think twice about the ice. Eat of the food that tasteth twice, but never, no never, never eat mice.
Aardvark, aardvark, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for the plaster, one for the lame, one for the little viruses, which I can't name.
Treat of these verses as you would treat your own socks.
Sing a song of six sides, pita full of food,
throw the frozen water, it is sorta goood.
Sandwiches and ice cubes, for the polar bear,
keep them in the refrigerator or freezer or outdoors if its really cold,
not your underwear.
If you cannot find them, it's not very goood,
you can't celebrate the festival of Tansey, first or second day,
or even the Saturday after,
and that's not very goood.
Let there be no further verses like the above. Ever.
Turbans and envelopes and pink satin dresses,
dog sleds and rainbows and diaper pail messes,
Bright paper packages, tied up with string,
these are the envelopes sold you by Singh
(unintelligable interlude)
Buy them and try them and fold them in half,
get them for nothiig and then take a bath,
these are the signals and these are the signs,
try an new Zinfandel, that is a wyne.
Tum da da, tum dada, tum dada tum da daaaaaaa (told you so),
All of which has very little to do with anything and everything to do with all.
And then I heard a vision:
2 the number of people, 3 counting the guy behind the counter with a turban on.
30, count 'em, 30 were the envelopes, which were not for sale, though purchase was conceived of.
Free at last, free at last, 30 envelopes, free at last. * (see note 1)
And Aardvarks and nature sing, and aardvarks and nature sing, and aardvaaaarks, and ar ardvarks and nature sing:
Down from the hills, lets pick some guy,
Don't have, to won, der why.
It's easy if you see ee ee,
from the val val val valley.
The aardvarks may follow you,
if you're lucky and not blue,
the Aardvaaaarks, the aaar aardvarks may fol. low. you.
Imbecilli then did a lewd dance and flew to the top of the empire state building, where he was shot by biplanes, exclaiming, "2, 2, 2 mints in one!" and winking. Thenceforth New York was and is.
editors note (1): on the tenth year of Tansey, a Tansey miracle took place, as prophesied above, whereby the perfect envelopes for the DePosa Tansey invitations were procured for $0.00! Proof enough for me! Ed-
---
6
Fluffer nutter, fluffer nutter, sis cum ba.
sandwiches, sandwhiches, Ra Ra Ra. *(see note 2)
Imbecilli having returned from Manhattan, said to his dog Marvin, "send the children to go play in the streets." And thus the throwing of the ice cubes is passed from angel to dog to children, to this very day. Of course, this very day is today, the day this
book was found. I Joe Blow did not write this book (proof, as this is the original text handed to Joe Blow by the angel Imbecilli).
editor's note (2): no doubt a reference to the Egyptian cheerleading well known in eastern Africa at the time of the revelation.
Buy a loaf of bread and a quart of milk on your way home from work.
7
Death. Death and destruction. Poison, poison, Poisson, Fish! Never replace a sandwich with a knish. Let there be nothing obscure about this book, which is for all and from me and by him and as if narrated by Joe, but not really, and forever
henceforth shall be called the book of Tansey, not the book of Morons or any other totally rediculous thing, like Redbook or McCalls.
Should anyone tamper with this book, let them receive bridal magazines for all eternity.
Nathan the green toed aardvark,
had a case of bad gangrene,
and if you ever smelled it,
you would even bust your spleen.
All of the other aardvarks,
used to pull the dead flesh away,
they never let poor Nathan,
join in any Tansey games.
Then one snowy Tansey eve,
Nathan went away,
when they found his rotting carcass,
he'd been hit by a Chevrolet.
The moral of the story is, never let gangrene progress to the point that it causes you to cross highways at night if car headlights make you stop suddenly and lose all reaction time ability and get run over on Tansey eve, and never forget to play
Tansey games. Oh, but be found worthy, and not rotten, especially about the head and feet.
Finally, remember that space is indeed the final frontier, and always sit in the fron tier if you have the ability, as the back tier has not as good a view.
8
Then after the final blessing, Imbecilli said "Momma's little baby loves ice cubes, ice cubes, momma's little baby loves sandwiches. All those children must move, must move in body and bowel. Selden shall be a country unto you, and you will drive out the people with window dressings, and make a nation of vegetables. Vegetables shall rule over you, and not a cow shall be taken. You shall not turn back to the beautiful rose, you shall not pass go, you shall not collect $200. Utah shall be a foreign land, and Omaha shall be an abomination unto you. Topsoil shall be your friend, and mushrooms may grow on your person."
After saying this, and handing the wet book to Joseph Blow, this revelation of the Tansey became book, and book being made, the race was run, and no one has ever seen Imbecilli since. But should the e coli inside of you ever all shift to one side at the same time, this will be a sign and a portent of vapors from the great compost heap of the future, and there should be some sign of life or other activity evidently happening, or at least decomposition.
And then.
(apparently Toe Blow's dog ate the remainder of the text, and it trails off incoherently at this point).
Copyright, for what it's worth, 1993, James Norton